ways you can help HIM

Sometimes, changes can happen suddenly and obviously.  Events such as a natural disaster or the loss of a job can bring on a crisis in a short period of time.  Often, though, behavior changes come about gradually.  If something doesn't seem right with him, think back over the past few weeks or months to consider signs of change.

One of the most common signs of emotional crisis is a clear and abrupt change in behavior. Some examples include:

• Neglect of personal hygiene
• Dramatic change in sleep habits, such as sleeping more often or not sleeping well
• Weight gain or loss
• Decline in performance at work or school
• Pronounced changes in mood, such as irritability, anger, anxiety or sadness
• Withdrawal from routine activities and relationships

Don't wait to bring up your concerns.  It's always better to intervene early, before his emotional distress becomes an emergency situation.  If you have a feeling that something is wrong, you're probably right.

Use these Mental Health First Aid Tips to start a conversation with him:

• Set time aside with no distractions.  It is important to provide an open and non-judgmental space with no distractions.
• Let him share as much or as little as he wants to.  Let him lead the discussion at his own pace.  Don’t put pressure on him to tell you anything he isn't ready to talk about.  Talking can take a lot of trust and courage. You might be the first person he has been able to talk to about this.
• Don't try to diagnose or second guess his feelings.  You probably aren’t a medical expert and, while you may be happy to talk and offer support, you aren’t a trained counselor.  Try not to make assumptions about what is wrong or jump in too quickly with your own diagnosis or solutions.
• Keep questions open ended.  Say "Why don’t you tell me how you are feeling?" rather than "I can see you are feeling very low."  Try to keep your language neutral. Give him time to answer and try not to grill him with too many questions.
• Talk about wellbeing.  Exercise, having a healthy diet and taking a break can help protect mental health and sustain wellbeing.  Talk about ways of de-stressing and ask if he finds anything helpful.
• Listen carefully to what he tells you.  Repeat what he said back to him to ensure you have understood it.  You don’t have to agree with what he is saying, but by showing you understand how he feels, you are letting him know you respect his feelings.
• Offer him help in seeking professional support and provide information on ways to do this.  You might want to offer to search for a professional counselor or therapist, help them talk to another trusted friend or trusted family member. Try not to take control and allow him to make decisions.
• Know your limits.  Ask for help if the problem is serious.  If you believe he is in immediate danger or has injuries that need medical attention, you need to take action to make sure he is safe first. 

Use these Mental Health First Aid tips to be an effective non-judgmental listener for him:

• Reflect on your own state of mind.
  Before approaching him with your concerns, it’s important to make sure you are in the right frame of mind to talk and listen without being judgmental.  Reflect on your own state of mind to make sure you are feeling calm, open and ready to help.
• Adopt an attitude of acceptance, genuineness and empathy.
  Adopting an attitude of acceptance means respecting his feelings, personal values and experiences as valid, even if they are different from your own or you disagree with them. Taking time to imagine yourself in his place can help you be more genuine and empathic.
• Use verbal skills to show that you’re listening.
  Simple verbal skills can help you show him that you’re actively listening. This includes asking questions, listening to tone of voice and nonverbal cues being used.  Using minimal prompts like “I see” and “ah” and not interrupting to give him time to express his thoughts and feelings.
• Maintain positive body language.
  Positive body language can show him that you’re listening and truly care. This includes maintaining comfortable eye contact, sitting down instead of standing, sitting alongside and angled toward him rather than directly opposite and maintaining an open body position.
• Recognize cultural differences.
  If you are helping a man from a cultural background different from your own, you might need to adjust some verbal and nonverbal behaviors, such as the level of eye contact or amount of personal space.  Be prepared to discuss what is culturally appropriate and realistic for him or seek advice from someone from the same cultural background before engaging with him.

Follow up with him to let him know it was okay to open up, that you care, and that you’re still a safe person to talk to about his mental health.  You can start the follow up conversation with statements such as:

• “You know, you’ve been on my mind since we had that conversation the other day.”
• “I’ve really been thinking about what we talked about, and I want to circle back. How are you feeling since we last spoke?”

Don't give up if the first conversation didn't go too well.  Try to keep an open mind and think of it as maybe he wasn't ready to talk.  

Continue inviting him to be a part of your life in the form of talking, meeting up to do a planned activity or go to an event.  If he rejects you it's most likely nothing against you, personally.  Steady invitations show that you care and that you will be there for him.

Honor his trust in you as you would want him to honor your trust.  It's possible you're the only one he is talking to about his mental health.  Avoid gossiping or turning people against him.

Seek help for yourself so you don't feel alone or that you have to help him all by yourself.  Don't be afraid to reach out to a trusted resource of your own, so that you can continue to be an available and helpful outlet for him.